What it’s like for me being AuDHD
When I first started training to be a counsellor, I didn’t know I had AuDHD and dyslexia with aspects of OCD, I just thought my executive functioning, fear of groups of people, trying something new, not easily processing conversations made me look and feel dumb.
Deep down I knew I wasn’t, the anxiety however of trying to fit in, not being able to process my feelings caused me to feel stuck and ‘not good’ at anything, feelings I had had basically since I was a child.
Years of following parental expectations, getting a respected degree, good corporate role, nice salary, car and house and woohoo I was on a great trajectory of socially conformist happiness. Except I wasn’t happy or content, I felt odd and like I was going through the motions without much feeling. Nowadays, I know a neurodivergent brain wants/needs what’s interesting for us, but we also need to feel safe. Sure, the creative side of marketing and PR got my rocks off, but the sitting in a pig pen in a huge office with bright lights, surrounded by lots of stress, working to tight deadline colleagues drained me. My cortisol levels were off the Richter to say the least, yes, I got my dopamine hits leading campaigns and exhibitions all over the world, but at the end of day, my battery was flat and often ‘burnout’ (as I now know it) would hit so hard, I’d end up taking sick days just doing absolutely nothing. On reflection, I’m not sure from a young adult upwards that I ever really managed to return to baseline or even acknowledged that was a thing.
What changed for me personally was retraining to be a counsellor in 2015, working/studying with people who actually saw and heard me as a person in my own right, sure the executive and cognitive functioning required to study for so many years was tough, really tough, but the realness of the people around me allowed me to be vulnerable and my authentic self. I started to realise there is no right or wrong way to feel or be. I became more curious about myself, the fact that up to this point, my feelings, and way of being hadn’t felt legitimate. Feelings are complicated for everyone, and it’s hard to start revealing them to others, let alone ourselves. But I started to explore myself, my tutor got me tested for dyslexia, result was processing dyslexia, no shit Sherlock! Next, I was scrolling through a list of ADHD and ASD traits when I realised, I wasn’t just reading about them – I was also seeing parts of myself that matched the checklists too.
Example here: my forgetfulness and impulsivity made sense under ADHD, but my sensory sensitivities leaned more towards autism. I thought my need for structure was just me being rigid, but actually was an autistic trait.
All of these realisations alongside my counselling training really shifted how I started to see myself. One of the biggest gifts with this recognition was I started shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion, instead of asking ‘what’s wrong with me’, I can now say, ‘This is how my brain works and that’s okay’.
- I allow myself to step away from overwhelming environments instead of forcing myself to stay.
- I give myself grace when I need a rest from a busy world.
- I build routines that support me, rather than punish myself for not fitting into someone else’s schedule and expectations.
- I notice when sensory overload or executive dysfunction shows up, and I respond with care instead of shame.
Most importantly, for me though, is realising it’s not about trying to fix myself; as I’m not broken, just neurodivergent, every time I practice self-compassion, I unlearn years of self-criticism. I don’t quite fit the mould, (whatever this may look like in a neurotypical world) and as a reader of this blog, maybe this resonates, you’re not broken – you just deserve to be understood, especially by yourself.
Warmly, a neurodivergent counsellor who gets it.