Shame is one of the most powerful human emotions.  For many autistic/ADHD people, it is also one of the most quietly learned.
Not because autism or ADHD is something to be ashamed of, it isn’t.   But because of how the neurotypical world responds.

Shame begins from an early age; many neurodiverse children receive subtle (and not so subtle) messages.

‘Why can’t you just try harder’
‘Stop being so sensitive’
‘Don’t be weird’
‘Look at me when I’m talking to you’
‘Why can’t you sit still and focus’

Over time these messages internalise and leave an imprint that carries forward as shame. Instead of ‘my brain works differently and thats ok’ it becomes ‘there is something wrong with me’, that shift is where the shame grows.  This is also where the masking kicks in and cost for survival in a neurotypical world.

Many late diagnosed neurodiverse adults describe a lifelong sense of being ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’ without really knowing why.  The chronic self monitoring is fertile ground for shame.

Shame runs deep and thrives with repeated social rejection, bullying, being misunderstood or not understanding neurotypical cues, being told you are dramatic, rude, lazy, difficult.  It also grows when your strengths are overlooked, deep focus, loyalty, honesty, creativity and a strong moral compass, pattern recognition.  So, the nervous system learns:  IT’S NOT SAFE TO BE ME.   This belief sits at the core of shame.

Healing does not mean becoming less neurodiverse, it about learning to unlearn internalised ableism, understanding your nervous system, reclaiming your traits as a positive, finding affirming spaces and allowing unmasked authenticity. 

If you recognise yourself in my blog, please hear you were never broken, you don’t need fixing, you’ve quite simply adapted to survive in a neurotypical world.  You don’t have to continue with this imprint, more to learn to celebrate your neurodiversity.

If you would like to explore shame and trauma in therapy, please do reach out to me.